I feel like in the last two years or so, really when I became I mother, I began to see the world and myself a lot more clearly. I have felt a sense of urgency to improve myself and prepare for the future that I never felt before. I feel like you always hear about women worrying they will "lose themselves" when they have children who take up all their time and energy, but I feel like I really found myself when I became a mom. I feel like I have only just realized my potential, not just as a mother, but in all areas of life. Motherhood has helped me gain confidence in myself that I never had before. It makes me wonder what kind of decisions I would have made in the past, had I possessed this kind of confidence all along.
Any time I take a trip away from LA, I question if it's the right place for us to fulfill our life's purposes. It's hard for me to separate thoughts of what I would prefer, like more square footage and our own washer and dryer, between what is necessary for happiness. Am I being ungrateful for my blessings if I'm focusing on what I don't have? Isn't it true that we can create a happy life under any circumstances? On the other hand, is living here a choice that makes it unnecessarily difficult to reach our goals that promote a happy family? It's hard for me to decide where I am on the spectrum between free-spirited dream follower and practical planner. All I really want is to be on the same page as Jack about it all, but right now I don't even know what page I want us to be on. The one thing I do know is that Jack and I make quite a good team, and we can figure it out.
I'm counting on General Conference to give me hope, peace, and clarity. So far it has never failed me!
we used to feel that way whenever we traveled away from the east coast. (look how much we could get for so much less! etc) it took us a loonnnnng time before leaving was the right choice, sometimes it was easier to wait, sometimes harder. you're totally right that as long as you have your perfect co-person (and subsequent perfect small people), there will always be a way to follow your dreams and have what you need. it took us a while to find the 100% perfect mix but i feel like we're finally getting there! love your blog, i always get something so positive from it!
ReplyDeletei totally feel ya. the lifelong battle. i will tell you this. change is real good.
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